Wait and See

Today was a really hard day.

I'm getting stronger physically; I can do things more easily than before, things that used to make me out of breath, or winded, I can now do without much effort. Nine days, wow. I've still got a LONG ways to go before I'm running marathons or anything, but I am getting stronger.

While getting stronger physically, I've become weak. This place is not just a "fat camp", a place to loose weight; it's a behavioral weight loss treatment facility, meaning they work on the mental aspect as well as healthy food habits. In doing this we've spent many hours in classes to help us try to understand the WHY behind the eating. To find out what hole in our lives were we trying to fill with food. There are folks here with issues that span the spectrum. I've been working with a therapist to try to locate my antecedents, the "triggers" that cause me to make bad food choices. In doing this Geri, my therapist, has begun to tear away the layers built up over years. Today was one of those days where things came tumbling down all around me. I was at a breaking point. I broke down. I know this is part of the plan - like pledging - tear them down so you can build them back up in the "correct" way. I'm getting there. I had an emotional hurdle I needed to clear today. And I won't go so far as to say I cleared it, but I'm not giving up. I'll keep jumping the hurdles as long as someone will continue to set them up for me.

After an impromptu meeting with my therapist after a class this afternoon where I "lost it" I came back to my apartment and put my iPod on shuffle, got in the shower, and let it all out. After several minutes I stopped long enough to actually listen to the song that was playing on my iPhone. At that moment this song was playing. I've heard it a thousand times. I love it every time. But at that exact moment it was God in an audible voice. Listen:



Here are the words:

I was born in Tennessee
Late July humidity
Doctor said I was lucky to be alive

I’ve been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble till the day that I disappear
That’ll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school
I talked too much, broke the rules
Teacher thought I was hopeless fool alright

I don’t know how but I made it through
It’s one of those things that you’ve gotta do
But I always had a knack for telling the truth

Chorus

Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something

So now’s my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No telling where I’m ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart it’s one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight

Chorus

There are lots of songs that stir emotions in me, I love music, but this song almost seems like my life story. Beginning with how I entered this world, a never-should-have-been, to my school days, the-never-should-have-made-it, to the busy life, the never-enough-hours-in-a-day. I have dreams, passions, loves, and I know that God has a plan for me, not to harm me, but to give me hope and a future. Jer. 29:11 (paraphrased)

Thanks to so many of you who have made comments, sent emails, and facebook messages. And thanks to Hadley for that hilarious card! It made everyone laugh, and blush!!