“And that my friend, is what they call closure.” – Rachel Green
I wasn’t real sure why I needed to make this trip, but I knew
I did. I had a beating in my chest so
strong that I couldn’t ignore it. A
month ago Jen and I had to end our calls due to some crazy rule about providing
services across state lines….dumb!! (I
totally offered to use my Big Spender Winnings from Super Supper to pay her
fees to get licensed in Texas. She laughed, but never flat out said no…I can
hope!?!) I had two months, and four
calls to “process” this new information.
Jen and I spent our remaining calls talking about the last call and
beyond. I was trying to do my part on my
own to work through the process of saying goodbye. I journaled and painted and talked to a
couple of friends. I was really
trying. When the time came for our last
call I thought I was ready. I had written
Jen a heartfelt Thank You note and said all the things I wanted and felt I needed
to say. I spent several hours in my
studio working through stuff. Out of my
journals and processes came a “poem” (used in the loosest since of the word) and
a painting.
The bicycle became a
metaphor to help me move forward. I also
wanted her to know that I’m sure she has held the same role in the lives of
many of her clients in the years prior, and especially now, as she was having to
say goodbye to many of her current clients.
She was the one who helped teach many of us how to ride our own bikes
and continue to move forward. It brings
to my mind a quote from Albert Einstein, “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” I was very pleased to see the little bike
painting on her bookshelf while I was there today. (I have a copy hanging on the wall in my
workspace upstairs to remind me to keep moving forward.) I included the little “poem” on the back to
help get my message across as best I could.
I’ve always felt short of words when it came to telling her what she has
meant to me these past 7+ years.
So, after that last call about a month ago, I suddenly
realized I wasn’t done. I wasn’t
ok. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but I
needed more. I needed to look her in the
eye, say a heartfelt Thank You, and give her a big-‘ol-hug (or two or
four). I wasn’t sure what words I needed
to say, but I knew there were more. I
made the trip. Shannon was awesome about
it from the get-go. He understood I
needed something, and that something was going to require me to make a trip to
North Carolina. So, here I am, a
thousand miles from home, for about 24 hours.
A quick trip, but enough.
I had my “session” with Jen this afternoon and although I
had no idea what I needed or wanted from this hour, we managed to fill our time…and
a little more…. It was so good to see
her face, see her smile, and sit in that baby-blue office again. It has been so long since I've actually sat across from her. It really does make a difference. She is so easy to talk to…guess that’s good,
since it’s her job!! I mean, I've managed to spill the beans for over seven years...2-4 times a month!! (Totally meant to take a selfie with her and forgot!!)
Another aspect of this place that I felt I really needed to encounter again,
was “The Duke Trail” (Al Buehler Trail) on the Duke University Campus. It is a beautiful, three-mile trail around
the Duke University Golf Course. While
I was here at Structure House many years ago (and the return visit the
following year) this trail became a sort of spiritual place for me. (You can read about my first trip here.) I can’t really explain it in words, but the
journey around this trail has become a special thing for me. I’ve tried, in all my visits, to capture it in
pictures, but I just can’t. I just cannot
capture the essence of this place in two-dimensional images. It's so much more. I did my best this evening, and I may try
again in the morning. (I just couldn't capture what I wanted in pictures. I just can't.)
I flew in this morning, leaving DFW at about 7:00, and
pretty much headed straight to Jen’s office when I landed. After a quick stop at the hotel to freshen up
I grabbed a quick lunch and headed to Structure House. After my chat with Jen I went back to the
hotel, changed clothes, and hit the trail.
I’m staying at a hotel on the Duke Campus that is on the golf course and
trail. Uber convenient! 😊 I walked out the door and onto the
trail. I had previously downloaded a
custom playlist just for this walk, but decided that I didn’t want the
distraction of someone else's words. I needed to
fill my mind and spirit with different words and my voices. I took my time. I think I averaged a 28-minute mile!! (The Duke University Cross-Country team passed
me no less than three times, running in the same direction!! As did several other groups of Duke athletes.)
I was in no hurry, no rush, no need to make it around in record time. I stopped to take pictures and just listen. Listen to my mind and nature. I noticed the wildlife. The squirrels, the
birds, especially this one woodpecker….
There was a male cardinal that “followed” me for quite a while. He hopped along several trees along the path
right next to me. I noticed him. You know what they say about spotting a
red-bird… It was an hour and a half that really spoke to my soul. I am so glad I took the time. I do plan to go back out in the morning and
take a final trip around the loop before I leave. If
the sun will show itself, it will make for some better images. Or I may decide to leave the camera at home,
listen to my playlist, and just let the feelings flow. I know there will be tears. I’m ready to say goodbye, but it is still hard.
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If you're interested in reading about my previous trips to Structure House, you can start here.
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